Scientific Studies That Would Be Hilarious If They Weren’t Funded By the Taxpayers

Is there a reason the face of Jesus Christ appears on toast?

Do drunk birds slur when they sing?

Do monkeys have a musical preference?

What makes a goldfish feel sexy?

If you or any of your loved ones has ever asked one of these important questions, fear not. Your government is on the case.

In a scathing Congressional report issued Tuesday, a litany of outlandish scientific studies were outlined, all of which were funded by taxpayers. Issues by Sen. Jeff Flake (R-AZ), Twenty Questions: Profiles in Federally Funded Science details how $35 million is currently being wasted by the federal government on absurd scientific studies.

Some of those studies are so ridiculous as to drift into the zone of unbelievability, like the $3.9 million study in maine on what makes goldfish feel sexy, or the $5 million study in Oregon to examine the impact of alcohol on the speech impairment of birds.

AMI Newswire reports that Flake’s goal in issuing the report is not to immediately eliminate these studies, although he admits some certainly should be carved from the federal budget as quickly as possible.

“Some of them need to stop because they just shouldn’t be doing them, frankly,” Flake told AMI Newswire. “It puts into question a lot of the legitimate research that we do. But more than anything, I hope it makes these agencies think. We have limited resources. Let’s put them to best use.”

Both the National Institutes of Health and the national Science Foundation have stood by their allocation of resources, telling AMI Newswire that the studies often reveal deeper information regarding human brain functioning, for instance.

Still, Flake said the numbers add up and could eat up funds that could be used for more meaningful scientific research.

Head over to AMI Newswire to read the full story, including information on a $1.1 million study that sought to determine whether cheerleaders are hotter alone or in a group – and that’s no joke.